In Search Of Me!

Ravaging through the mind, a thousand gales
Are today filling my heart with agonizing wails
In a moment when everything seems so lost;
I crave again for moments of the wondrous past

Give me back myself, that which was once me!
This present is so unlike all that I dream!
Whenceforth did in the tides of time I lose
The meandering paths of doom did I choose!!

For on this path, there is not a soul to befriend
Just an eerie silence and darkness with no end.
The journey I set out upon, this was not to be
Yet here I am, walking the miles, searching for me!

Doubts plague the mind, questioning my being
And challenge to show the proof of my living!
Dead am I within? A funeral there was none.
Why is it then, a silent mourning there begun?!

A deafening cry rises, from within the deep
Give me back myself, I am mine to keep!
Haunting echoes of my sorrow plague the valleys
Tears and sighs, sleepless nights form my allies.

Its a battle upfront that I fight within,
Pitched against myself – How shall I win?
A void it is, that surrounds me today!
Everything hopeful and bright keeping at bay.

Never have I lost, nor shall I now
lay down my arms and drop my bow.
Today shall I set alight the flame,
Scorch the foe and end the game!

From the ashes of me, A phoenix I shall rise,
Resplendant glory burning all I despise.
The future I shall quote and so be it noted,
This battle shall be won and epics devoted!

The enemy is within and there shall he die
Some wars are fought alone – this is not a lie.
The pawns are moving, the board has been set!
In the quest of life, there is myself to beget!

-Praveen

Idle musings – 2

So often, I think what would’ve happened if things were to be different than they are now! Especially when it comes to specifics and details, I always get this urge to see the things in a different angle than they are! What if I hadn’t come to America? What if I hadn’t joined Kannadaaudio.com? What if I hadn’t come to Wichita? What if I wasn’t born at all.. and sometimes looking into the future, What if I was dead!
I am aware of the fact that it is impossible to change the past and many times the things that we wish wouldn’t have happened. And yet there they are, staring at us in all stark nakedness! I look at them and wonder as to their purpose of being. Sometimes the mind seems to fathom them and sometimes they are lost in the wilderness of the future. Why at all do I concern myself with them? Life probably would have been a lot easier to live if we could just shut ourselves to the memories. Yes, we would lose a lot of the good ones but then be spared of the bitter ones too! Yet, that is not the case, for human mind seems to harbor them for some reason! At the end of the day all that matters is what we do in the time that is vested with us. The aftermaths of the past shall linger on to the future, but it is a future that we can still control. It is rather astonishing the way, the past, the present and the future are blended. Infact, I see them as manifestations of the same TIME!
I have looked back in life and sometimes wondered at the people who came in and the people whose lives I entered. They touched me and I theirs. There is something deeper that seems to run, from one life to another that brings us in contact with eachother. It’s a pull as I see it. A draw of a new learning that somehow seems important for us in the lifetime that we live. The people we come in contact with are there to teach us something! Probably that is why we keep meeting a certain category of people.. something that seems to tell me that I am yet to learn it. In this learning, I realize the purpose of my being. In this learning, I realize the purpose of their presence. In this learning, I realize the meaning of life.

(No title)

Had a rather long day! Long, not because of its duration, but more because of all that was done! Somehow my day seems to start at 6 in the morning, and winds all the way up till 2 AM in the middle of the night. Am I burning my energy off..? I dunno! Am I a workaholic? Could be! Somehow, there seems to be so much to accomplish, and there is so less time vested for me! There are days when I just want to stop everything. I want to just sit and watch a bird hop on the trees, squirrels run around, see a flower bloom…. simple things, unhurried, and magical! One day… just one of these days! This was the thought that crossed my mind, today morning while going to the school for my job when I watched a flock of geese fly by!
I do this everytime I leave for my job! The way to the school where I work is peckered with houses, cute little ones built of red bricks.. yellow stones and what not, with nice little porches in front of them. Some of ’em still have the kitched lights turned on, and I wonder; “What would life be behind those walls? What tensions and what concerns would they have! How would they start their day?What would they talk at their dinner table in the night, and at breakfast in the morning?” And for some unknown reason, I smile. I am amidst humans, who like me, have their worries and concerns. That is what I like about this! I am in touch with the human nature inside me. Amen to that.

(No title)

Why do we let some people influence us so much? Some people can make us happy more than we ever felt like, and at the same time remove the very life from our very being? It is as if, our whole vitality has gone and vested itself in the other person! Wasn’t man meant to be self-reliant? If so, this isn’t that! I am confused, bewildered and totally besides myself. It is one thing to tell others to be self-reliant, and not let -ve things influence, but somehow when it comes to the self, everything collapses and we are back to the same track!
Relationships, friendships are meant to be enriching. If one is getting bogged down by them, getting out of sync with these things, then something is missing somewhere isn’t it? What is it? I dunno, I am lost! God! plz help me. I know I am not perfect, that I do mistakes. But please don’t give up on me.
Give me the strength to bear my Lord! I am getting exhausted with all this. Give me your grace to be kind and understanding of others as also myself. To love others and myself! Please God! help me.

Sad!

I donno why! Feeling rather sad today. Am angry with myself. Don’t feel like really writing anything. Am I just being used by people?!! Shit! Gives me a feeling of being a chewing gum.. something for everyone to chew and spit out later after the flavor is gone.
Am I to be blamed.. or is it that the world just waits for victims to pounce upon and rub their dirty feets on. Am really not feeling secure anymore being good! I don’t want to hate the world… but I am afraid I am beginning to.

Idle musings!!

Had been out for a walk! Rather cold wind, froze my nose red! It is so tough to keep your mind calm, and not let it think about anything. I tried a lot, the wind raging outside was no match to the one inside. I like going around the campus of my University. There are calm and peaceful spots that I have marked and visit them quite often. Inspite of the cold wind, I did enjoy going back to those familiar spots. My mind has conversed a lot with the plants, the trees and the flowers over there; silent statues that give you company, the squirrels who have so much taken a liking to me, that they now share the peanuts off my own hands.
There is something that has to be said about going on walks alone. I’m not a loner, mind u – can be a party rocker any day. But when it is solitude that one is seeking, there is no better companion than one self. Today was one of those moments. The new moon was pretty. I liked it. The slight arch, was showing blood red today – rare and a beautiful sight. I took a long walk, trying to feel the nature around me.
The flowers have started to bloom. I held a couple of ’em in my hand.. tender petals that seemed to be softly smiling… like a half asleep child being rocked in the warmth of its mother’s bosom. Spring is setting its foot. There is something so refreshing about spring… its probably the beginning of life. A new beginning heralded by the wondrous colorful and decorated nature. Its a celebration of life, and I wanna be a part of it.