I have a superman ego! Not that I have the ego of superman, but an ego that has staunchly convinced me of my superhuman abilities, and that too without having to wear my underwear on my pants or ridiculously colored clothes with a long cape to prove it! Although there is one problem to this, in my real world, I am as incompetent as an orangutan balancing a dozen eggs while riding a cycle on a oil spilled floor!
There is always a voice in me that convinces me that I can handle and capably at that, anything that I can take up. And always under the assumption that all the subsidiary climatic conditions required for the successful execution shall be in place and all I need to do is – just press the button! Alas(s)! Never to be so! Things are never so straight forward. Be the rising petrol prices, or deploying an environment at work or leaving early from office! There is always an f(x) function that just doesn’t function linearly!
People perennially talk about work-life balance, personal-professional lives see-sawing (in my case more sawing!) and these seemed like jargons for the high society! But facing the same quagmire, I am left seething with frustration and helplessness. The changing roles we take up in our personal and professiona lives, brings more and more challenges. I for one, want to maintain the relationships as they were, while also handle deftly the increased responsibility at work. Giving time equally and justifiably to all people in my personal and professional sphere, is for me, in my assumption, a do-able proposition. But with a condition that the f(x)s around me, behave in an orderly and pre-defined format. My world, I prefer, would govern themselves by the deterministic rules! But unfortunately, not many apples seem to be falling on the heads of people who in other words are these f(x)s. After having tried talking, convincing, cajoling, fighting with these factors, I am on the brink of giving up.
Not wanting to compromise, I do accept more responsibilities to keep my personal life flourishing, and to avoid the guilt of being negligent, and only end up making a slap-shod work of it, or worse, not doing it! Well, I know, you’d be quick to point out that all it takes is the art of saying “NO”, without sounding like an ugly belch. But say ‘NO’ to who? and When?!! For me, its an excruciatingly painful task, to choose. And when time is a costly commodity to be rationed out, it only makes it all the more nerve-wracking. To expect others to be considerate of this dilemma and co-operate is to expect the bull to not charge at you, because you are a vegetarian! None gives a damn!
It is a blessed feeling to have people around you demand for your time and attention. It means that I still matter! The challenge is to remain so. My friend, remarked, “I have accepted the fact that you are busy and have stopped expecting you to be present during family occassions and functions. Infact it has stopped bothering me whether you call or don’t. I guess its both good and bad”. It’s when these frank assessments of one’s role is expressed, that the superman in me realizes what a dud he has turned out to be. My Kryptonite continues to tick unabashedly ignoring my pleas!
It may not be as tough as I am imagining it to be. Maybe there is a simple solution that my grey cells or the lack of it, is just not able to fathom as yet. But in the meanwhile, the cape has torn and there are tatters covering the superman! And its just so hard to accept that there is only so much one can do! When I’ve always believed that I can do so much! But someday, (sooner than later I wish) I would hit that fine balance, that one key stroke, that would turn this cacophony into a melody. But honestly, I feel, superman had it easy!!
Eeenyways, am also thinking on revamping this space. I wanna start writing about a few technical things – that would help me retain a lot of what am learning off late. Some more sections and some more updates. All in due course of time… (there you go!! Its just so hard to not think that I am superman!!)