Long absence! A gradual side lining of the urge to write? I dunno! As a friend of mine so well described, its the tussell of the mind and the spirit (buddhi mattu manassu). Or as calvin would say it “The Mind is willing but the body refuses!”. Whatever the case maybe, this long absence, lemme assure you, wasn’t without reason! Several thoughts have bombarded me in the meanwhile, and they are all cached up in the mind, for idle brooding during those long hours of solitude.
When I sat down to write something about “Predictability and Boredom”, I had a plethora of ideas, and opinions to share. But suddenly, the drive to write seems to have seeped off! I can’t decide what it is that is diminishing? The urge to write? Or the urge to share? I have realized a glaring problem I have with my attitude! It’s too free flowing! Or must I say indisciplined? It is hard for me to be rooted! Probably that is the reason I love the water and wind so much! They are so dynamic! Hard to be bound! I like my interests to be free, and not turned into bindings! I’d like to write, when I feel like it, not because I have to! I’d like to draw, when I feel like it, not because I have to! I have begun to avert routine! Which in a way brings me to the topic, “Predictability and Boredom”! Routine makes things predictable! It is, in a way discipline. But how is one to be disciplined, without falling prey to boredom?
The reason, I have started to refrain from writing is also partly because, my writing seems to be more and more predictable, to me! There were certain days, earlier, when I wrote in a trance! Much as if, it wasn’t me who was writing, but someone else! And at the end of it all, when I went over what I had written, it would baffle me! Now, somehow, after all these years, it doesn’t! That is what I meant when I said, I am becoming predictable! So am I getting bored of my own writings? In a way, YES!
I contemplated closing this blog! Or exploring newer avenues! But the creative surge is not what it used to be! Sometimes, I fear, my creativity may become predictable, and I may get bored of it too! I remember reading in “Illusions” –In order to live free and happy, one must sacrifice boredom. It is not an easy sacrifice“. I guess, I am realizing the meaning of it. What is it with being creative that makes it both a curse and a boon to the person? Why is it that one can’t be satisfied in being like everyone else?! Why is it that one feels this urge to be different, from others, and takes it so strongly, that one day, he realizes that he just wants to be different than himself! Is there an end to this struggle? Is discipline the only answer? My mind feels like a young child, refusing to take its medicine for reason that its bitter! It sees the need to be healthy, but seeks for a sweeter solution! Coming to think of it, maybe it wouldn’t even mind being so, for all the attention it can garner! Is that what this is all about? I am clueless!
A few days ago, I had written about the tussell in my mind about the spirituality, about how I am getting bored of ritualistic worships! I can see the effect percolating slowly to all walks of life! Work, hobbies, interests, … it is encompassing all aspects of my life! I haven’t been able to complete a book I started, call up and catch on old friends, reply to those long awaiting emails, or update the blogs!! Maybe one fine day, I will get bored of being bored! Human mind is so tricky! We feel we have studied it – known its intricate makeup, the sectors, the parts, the anatomy of it all! And before long, it baffles us, by playing a trick. We look at ourselves in the mirror, and wonder when we turned out to be so different!
I really don’t know how to end this! Probably because, I am yet to find an ending to this matter! So for once, I am not going to conclude this. It is a question I am yet to find an answer to, like so many others in my mind! But right now, this has come forefront. Is there a solution at all? I wonder…..
you are going through exactly the same thing that I am going through…
anywas, will mail you in detail abt this later, totoally busy right now!
You probably forgot to send me a baraha file! remmebr? and send it now!