From the laptop of,
My Apartment, Landlord’s building Complex,
Boring City, Equally Boring State,
NOTE:- The contents of this mail is absolutely public and highly non-consequential, and is absolutely aimed at digressing all limits of rationality and decency. It is aimed at ridiculing you and your institution, and any resemblance between you and an African chimpanzee drawn is absolutely intentional and well-deserved.
Dear Mr. Salif Rasaki,
Sub:- Regarding the transfer of 2 million dollars to my account!
I am absolutely dumbfounded, astonished, and shocked! No! It has nothing to do with Miss Neha Kapur winning the Miss India pageant! It is because of the fact that you were able to find me out inspite of me being undercover! Yes! And now I am going to make it public that I am not who you think I am! I indeed am the kith of the royal family of OUAGADOUGOU! I infact am the next prince to rule the land where ur Bank of Efrican is located! And because I with my genuine power of foresight (bestowed to me by dear ol’ Baba Bhaijaan, about whom I will write later) had realized that a military coup will result in the destruction of my entire family, and so I escaped in the middle of the night ala our Bollywood movies amidst thunders and torrential rains, and after crossing saat samundar changed my identity and my looks (well u know.. color and all that). But you still found me out! The FBI and CIA gotto learn something off of you!
Neeeeewaaayssss.. so as my esteemed self had predicted, the military coup was a success and you have written that all of my family alongwith with my relatives were killed while trying to escape in a plane! Oh! Woebegone on the Kenyan Airlines! I always knew they couldn’t be trusted! That was the reason I walked all the way!
Oh Well! So I believe that you were spared by the military coup! Well, good for u! What was that? You had to dress like a female gorilla and hide in the jungles? Awwwww… what!! eeks! that must’ve been painful! I bet the male gorilla had no idea! Well .. well.. now now.. comeon no hard feelings Mr. Rasaki! Well its the order of the nature! Males.. females.. u know how it goes.. don’t you?!
Whatz that? Oh ok.. coming back to the point! So my father had deposited 20 million USD in your esteemed bank. Eh? And now you have been so generous enough to have found me out, and want to give it back to me! Well, I know, that if I come over there as Prince OUAGADOUGOU, the coup may try to assassinate me too! And so, you have devised this ingenious plan (how very wily and clever of you my dear Rasaki! Oh! How rude of me to have compared u to a chimp! I am sorry .. chimp!) well.. so, you want me to give you my details as the long lost relative of the royal family now residing in this whachamacallit nation, but never really show up! Oh! How convenient!! All u need is my account number, with the routing number for the bank and the personal phone number and address. Isn’t it? Well, u already have my address at the start of this mail, so thatz settled! Now you wanna keep 60% of our bank balance with yourself, and then u want to visit me with your wife, and children, and at that time u will discreetly, and under utmost secrecy and protection, transfer the all of the amount to me in hard green, USD!!! For the love of chimpanzees! Hold me.. nay pray support me, lest I shalt faint in utter surprise and merriment!
[Playing in the background “mujhe mil jo jaaye thoda paisa.. thoda paisa..” and “Money money money.. must be funny for the African bankers… “(with due apologies to ABBA)] Now herez what I am going to do Mr. Salif Rasaki, I do not quite trust the security of these emails and so have deviced an equally ingenious plan as yours. I shall encode my personal details in a blog, and write it out, and embed in it, using complicated extrapolated algorithm of random number generation, the place for our secret meeting! You will, I am sure, realize that it is the secret forest next to the palace of OUAGADOUGOU family! Now you wear your female gorilla costume and make sure that u are there at the right time, to receive my account number and bank routing number, which I shall embed in a male gorrilla! How is it gonna give u those details, you ask Mr. Rasaki?! Now, now. comeon.. u know.. the male.. female.. nature thing! What say you? Eagerly waiting to receive those 2 million dollars!
Yours absolutely wasted,